A Curse and A Blessing

For those of you who have been following my blogs since it’s inception, and those of you who have read back through some of my older blog posts or have wandered about my blog in general, you might know a bit about my husband and myself.  We have been, unsuccessfully, try to start a family of our own for years now.  This has been a heartbreaking journey for us, and one they we still walk upon today.  It is a part of our story and something we live with every day of our lives.  Something so simple and easy as having a family of our own is something we’ve been jumping through hopes for a long time just to have a real chance at trying to have.  It’s awful.  Plain and simple.  I can go on and on about how unfair and painful and just plain wrong it is to ever have to face a challenge like this, and have frequently bemoaned just such thoughts in older blog posts, however if there is one thing I’ve learned from this situation, is that it is also a blessing.

A blessing?!?!?! Are you kidding me?  How could this possibly be a blessing?  Well I suppose as cliché as it sounds; every cloud has a silver lining.

For us, this means that my husband and I get to spend more time together as a couple. We’ve been together for nearly 6 years now, just the two of us; with no children to draw our attention away from each other and from our relationship. There are not a whole lot of married couples who can say that.  We are able to have more time to work on our relationship together; we have more time to get out and do stuff together.  If we want to go watch a movie, we don’t have to plan it in advance and find a baby-sitter, or plan our schedules around sports practices or after school activities.  If we have an argument, we can yell at the top or our lungs at each other for as long as we want to and not have to table the issue because we have children at home.  We work things out at our own pace using whatever actions we feel necessary whenever we want to. It’s total freedom.  We’re not tied down to anything but each other.  It is truly is amazing.  We do have a dog that we need to make arrangements for before we take off for more than a day, but other than that, we answer to nobody but each other.

This is a gift.  The ability to truly spend time building and re-working our marriage to make things work is awesome.  Even though we want to have children of our own, and wish we had them already; while we wait we have each other.  I’m trying to use this time that we have to our advantage.  Enjoying each other and time we get to spend together, knowing that we should use this wisely.  A good foundation can hold up a building for hundreds of years.  If we want to make sure our marriage will be a long and happy one, we should take the time now to cement our relationship and make less work for us later one.

Infertility is a curse and a blessing; we’re trying to use it to our advantage.  Good things come to those who wait, right? We’ll try the hard work and patience approach.

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Slowly… ever so slowly

I’m losing weight.  For the first time since highschool I’m actually dropping weight.  I’m not doing it very fast.. not fast at all.  I’m also not really “working” at it either.  I’m much more conscious of what I’m eating, how much I’m eat, and how much exercise I’m getting and making adjustments as it seems easy to do.  I’ve lost about 25lbs or so in the last year.  I know that’s not a lot in a year, but it’s HUGE for me.  Ever since highschool, all I’ve done is gain weight.  Quickly, slowly, but always gaining.  It didn’t seem to matter what I did, my weight just kept climbing.  Then finally this last January when I went in for my annual exam I had lost weight.  About 5 pounds from four months earlier.  I was happy but not expecting THAT to keep up.  A few weeks later when I went back, I was done another couple of pounds, and again and again each time I went in.

I’ve actually been concerned that I’ve started gaining weight again so I went down to my basement to my crappy scale that doesn’t really tell mes how much I weigh (it tells me I weigh more) and even according to that I’ve lost about 3 more lbs since the last time I got on it.  So YAY for me.  A week where I’ve heard of 3 more pregnancies and several more babies were born in my little circle of people I know, it’s nice to have some positive news of my own.  Wishing it was a bigger, better news, but good in any case.

We just keep putting one foot in front of the other, waiting to see where this life takes us.  I’m just hoping and praying that someday The Parkers will become The Parker Family, but I guess in the meantime I’m making some sort of progress.

 

 

 

Running in Circles

It’s me again.  It’s been a while, I know.  Out of sight, out of mind. Nothing much to report these days.  I’m down about 20 pounds since last year this time and continuing to lose slowly.  I’ve been in BCP’s since May since AF came to visit me in January and never exactly left.  Supposedly I’ll be trying to go back off them in September.  EVERYBODY around me is pregnant, including most of you wonderful ladies.  Congratulations to all of you, the club is getting smaller.  I’ll be sticking around with who’s left I think.  Most days I’m just pretty sure we’ll never have children.  This isn’t a “pity me” statement, just something I’m just trying to get myself used to.  We can’t afford IVF, we just can’t. $12,000.00 + just for once chance.  We don’t have that kind of money, we can’t afford to take on that kind of debt anytime soon.  Do I still desperately want to become a parent? You’re damn skippy I do! That will NEVER change, but it’s just not going to happen for us anytime soon. It’s been 3 1/2 years of trying already.  Although I don’t know how much actually “trying” it’s been.  Mostly figuring out what the heck is wrong with our bodies at any given time since the issues keep changing faster than we can find steady solutions.

DH and I have been trying to spend lots of quality fun time together.  We did go to Disney World in May and intend on going back next May as well since I came down with a horrible cold halfway through the week and I was stuck in bed for an entire day and was pretty much out of it for the rest of the week because of it.  What I did get to do before I got sick was AMAZING, so worth all the money we spent.  And next time is going to be even better!  We’re also doing some camping this summer.  Went a couple weeks ago and are going this weekend.  Just the two of us.  We do nearly everything just the two of us and I’m really alright with that.  Yes we do have friends and yes we do hang out with them sometimes, but I am truly blessed that my husband IS my best friend and although we definitely do fight, he’s who I want to spend my time with.  So that’s what we’re doing.

We’re also going a bit of work on our house.  Re-painted our bedroom, will be laying carpet soon, redoing the bathroom, and repainting most of the house.  So we’re working on that as well.

But the baby front just isn’t moving at all.  Seems like once we have one step forward we end up taking two steps back.  I don’t know where we’re going to end up.  At least I have DH by my side.

Um… ok.

So Friday I got in to see my nurse practitioner about the severity and length of AF’s visits since January.  After a little dicussion, she decided that she wanted to do a uterine biopsy.  I thought for sure we’d schedule it for another day.. NOPE!  Got everything around, had me take a pregnancy test (HA, ha ha ha, ho ho hum) and away we went.  First of all,  I was just on a lunch break from work and really didn’t have the time, secondly I really wasn’t looking forward to ANYTHING going up cervix into my uterus after my HSG fiasco back in August.  And yes it did hurt almost as much as my HSG did, but it didn’t even take a fraction of the time.  However I learned by my successful completion of the uterine biopsy, that 1.  My cervix must not be ‘curved’ as the ob/gyn claimed at the HSG and 2. I must not have a complete blockage again as the ob/gyn claimed at the HSG  otherwise this biopsy would have been much more difficult and painful AND I’d imagine the nurse practitioner would have mentioned something to me.

So after that ordeal we decided to go on progesterone and prometrium again to hopefully get regulated out again.  I’ll just be happy once we get the faucet turned OFF.  I was starting to get really scared.  I still have to have some blood work done to make sure I’ve not gotten anemic amongst a whole panel of off stuff we’re checking on again.

I honestly really didn’t think too much about what we we’re actually doing, just about the process… however after talking to my mom and telling her what was going on she expressed concern about the, you know, biopsy.  The thing checking my (yet again) for cancer. So I’ve been doing a little bit of freaking out over that I’ll admit.  I just wish my body could be NORMAL and work like it’s supposed to.

I have, however, lost another two pounds in the two weeks since the last time I was at her office.  So that’s a plus.  I honestly don’t know what I’m doing special that I haven’t done or tried before… except I am paying much more attention to what I eat and drink.

So we’re forging ahead a little at a time in both major area’s of our life.  Work is stressful and this situation is stressful.  And both DH and I have gone back to school and have been taking classes since January too to add to everything.  So this vacation cannot get here fast enough!! 20 days until the Happiest Place on Earth!!!

Off The Map

Hi everybody.  I’m back.  For the moment anyway. No I didn’t get lost (although maybe it’s felt like that at times), I have however been purposfully staying away.  Why you you might ask?  The plain and simple truth is avoidance.  I avoid anything and everything that makes me thing about babies, pregnancy, or my lack of fertility these days.  I have been for months (hence the absence).

DH and I are still (sort of) on the quest for fertility.  The doctor’s believe DH has Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis which is really messing with his testasterone level and thereby his sperm count, BUT they’re going to moniter him for a year before they make the final call.  Me?  I’ve taken myself off all medication as of last August and hoped for the best.  At first it looked like AF went into hybernation again me again, then in January she came back for a extended stay.  I think she moved in actually, I haven’t been able to get rid of her for more than two weeks that one time last month.  Actually I’m a little worried wiht just how much time I’ve spent with AF in the past four months.  I actually have a call in to my ob/gen office as of this morning.  I had a voicemail to return their call after work but the office was closed.

On another note, DH and I leave for our Walt Disney World Vacation in 24 days!!  This has been a nearly 3 year long endeaver to actually go.  This was supposed to be our Honeymoon in 2008 and we’ve “planned” this vacation about 3 times and due to one thing or another we’ve never made it.  And although sometimes I feel guilty about spending as much money as we have/are on this trip when it could go toward so many other things including out IVF fund, I think we really REALLY need this time away together.

So anyway, the point is, I’m alive and well, and still here… Just having a rough go of it and kind of moving around and between and over my issues. 🙂

*Hugs and Baby Dust*

PS.  I’ve officially lost 10 lbs this last year.  Not much but it’s going down!

UGH…

So for the past few weeks DH and I have kind of just talking about living without children. We still desperately want to save up the money to try IVF, but with it costing so much money for just one shot, the chances of us really getting pregnant are pretty slim.  I have found a company that does “package deals”  where you pay so much and get so many fresh and frozen transfers and you can get a certain portion of your money back if you don’t actually get pregnant.  They don’t, however, tell you how much it costs and I’m hesitant to contact them right now to find out since I know it’s going to take us so long to raise any kind of real money for this.

So we’ve just kind of been ‘planning’ on living without children.  And I’ve been tentatively “ok” with this.  As long as I don’t really think about it too hard or too much AND as long as I don’t actually come into contact with children or pregnant women of any kind.  Then I’m fine… otherwise I start thinking crazy thoughts and have even been entertaining looking more into adoption (DH is vehemently against this right now though so I’m not really looking into it).

And as well as I think I’ve done, today all I wanted to do is scream and cry and punch things.  In the past month-ish four of my friends have given birth to children, and in the last week I’ve had three facebook pregnancy announcements so far.  Not to mention the considerable amount of friends who are still currently pregnant.

Today has NOT been a good day.  So now I’m probably going to retreat even further away from people and things and not leave my house much again for a while until I can psych myself into being ok again.  How long it’ll last his next time, I don’t know.  But this is how I get to live my life for now I guess.

 

On a good note, DH got his student loan refund check last Tuesday and we are now officially caught back up on our bills again!!  Which I have been waiting and praying for for quite some time!!  So we’re kind of starting over with a blank slate and I’m starting us on a budget in the next couple of weeks and see how we get on financially for a while and maybe we can go back to treatments and do something again soon.

 

Baby Dust & Hugs to you all

2 Glasses of Wine

Maybe I had one too many today, but the wine was free and it was only two glasses.  The trouble is, I’m home now, alone.  DH is still in class and has some band stuff to do tonight so I won’t be seeing much of him, and I’m having a moment.  I’m sure some of you out there understand.  A moment, where right now all I want to do is scream and cry at the universe how unfair this all is.  How shitty it is that people who shouldn’t have children have them left and right, where everybody around you has or will shortly have their nice little family and I DON’T GET THAT CHANCE!!!

I know I’m working on accepting this, but DAMMIT.  My life is pretty damn good these days.  I have a perfectly wonderful husband whom I adore and he feels the same about me, I have a great little dog, DH and I both have decent jobs, we have a beautiful little house with a big enough yard, two vehicles, friends, hobbies and a TON of love.  Maybe not a ton of money, but dammit.  We’d make GREAT parents.  We both have so much love to give.  And I’d like to think we’d raise a child right.  Teach them well, give them good opportunities.  I just want the chance!!!

UGH!

Ok.  Next time I’m not having any wine at all…

Baby dust & hugs

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