Time Warp

Well hello. It’s been quite some time since I’ve written on here. So very short and quick update. Still no children, not pregnant either. Nadda. We started seeing a new RE back in January and while I liked him, we’ve gotten no further in our struggles. Taking another Baby Break.

In August of this year I had Vertical Gastric Sleeve surgery. I am 2 1/2 months post op and down 42lbs. I’m hoping that this weight loss might help us to start our family.

I became a Travel Agent last year and quit my job at the bank just before my surgery. I’m not quite making enough money yet to have justified that dramatic move, but I’m working my tail off trying to make it work.

So that’s where my life sort of is right now. Maybe I’ll finally start picking this blog back up. You never know, right?

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Shooting Stars

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Last night my husband and I were discussing where we would be if we had pursued our dreams a little harder.  This came after my finding a video of a woman that I went through school with performing in a band for Donald Trump. I of course, had to pull out old pictures of her as a girl in school being goofy and hanging out with our old group of friends to show to my husband.  I also attended school with a man who after high school went into the army and then had a mini-series on HBO based off of him and his platoon.  Another woman I went to school with made an appearance on a show on MTV.

This got me thinking.  I honestly never had any “big” dreams.  I never wanted to be famous; I had no huge career ambitions.  My family has always been the most important thing in my life, and all I ever dreamed of was to have a family of my own.  My daydreams always had a very 1950’s feel to them, although with much more women’s liberation.   Having a husband, and house, a dog, and 2.5 kids that I stayed home to take care of while my husband worked the nine to five has always sounded like heaven to me.  However, I always did well in school and my parents expected me to attend college, so I did.  Did I really have a direction? No.  I didn’t have a clue as to what I would do after college; I was just in school like my parents wanted.  I majored in English Language and Literature since I have a passion for reading and figured that was as close as I could get to being able to read my way through college.  However by senior year I still didn’t have a clue where I was headed.  I quit school and came home my senior year at Grand Valley State University.  I still regret not getting my degree, I was only 19 credit hours away and had already completed my capstone class, however I don’t regret coming home.  I wasn’t in a good head-space at the time and needed my family around me.

During my time in college I had been given an opportunity that I passed up.  I have a relative who works in Washington D.C. for our government and he had offered for me to move out there with him and he would get me a position in his department, if I completed school and if I wanted to go.  It was a great opportunity and I really tossed that idea around for quite some time.  Had I finished my schooling I believe that I would have gone out there.  Who knows where I would be right now.

 I very much doubt that I would live in Clare, Michigan; or that I would be married to my husband, own my own house, still have all the friends I do now.  I would be hundreds of miles away my mom and rarely get to see her, I wouldn’t have met the people that I know or do the things that I’ve done.  I would be living a completely different life.  Impressive? Maybe. It wouldn’t be what I have now and I love my life; maybe not all the parts of it, but a vast majority of it, and I wouldn’t trade it if I had to give it all up.

The Rock Star Life

My husband is in a band. I guess you could say that I’m his groupie or roadie or some other cliché of the music world. I go with him to a majority of his band practices, at his request, and nearly all of his shows, ok well gigs. I feel so completely un-cool using that word. An almost-thirty year old bank teller just doesn’t really fit my idea of some rock-star wife who’s dressed cool and looks cool and acts cool. That’s just not my style anymore. I barely own any clothes that aren’t expressly meant for work in the professional world, and you don’t spend a Friday or Saturday evening, bobbing your head to some darn good rock music wearing dress pants and a sweater set. I’ve only owned one pair of jeans for the last five years and they weren’t going to make anyone’s top ten or even top one hundred list of must-have jeans of the season, but hey at least I owned a pair right. That came to an end after their last show when I discovered a large hole in a rather inconvenient spot and my one and only pair of jeans met their end.
Well that stinks. I already view myself as the rather dumpy, frumpy, chunky, very un-cool wife but I certainly cannot ever show up to one of his shows in dress slacks or long skirt, and NO sweater sets. So there I was, but hey, I had what I thought was at least a month or two to worry about it since they didn’t have anything booked in the future right at that point in time. Well I REALLY should have known oh-so-much better than that. Beginning of the week, I am informed that they are going to be playing this coming weekend in Bay City with several other bands and possibly in front of several record executives.
Definitely NO sweater sets and slacks for that show.
So that leaves me to find time to go shopping. I mean, there might actually be record producers! I need to at least look the part of the oh-so-cool guitar players wife, even if I’m really just the quiet frumpy, bumpy, bank teller inside, right?

A Curse and A Blessing

For those of you who have been following my blogs since it’s inception, and those of you who have read back through some of my older blog posts or have wandered about my blog in general, you might know a bit about my husband and myself.  We have been, unsuccessfully, try to start a family of our own for years now.  This has been a heartbreaking journey for us, and one they we still walk upon today.  It is a part of our story and something we live with every day of our lives.  Something so simple and easy as having a family of our own is something we’ve been jumping through hopes for a long time just to have a real chance at trying to have.  It’s awful.  Plain and simple.  I can go on and on about how unfair and painful and just plain wrong it is to ever have to face a challenge like this, and have frequently bemoaned just such thoughts in older blog posts, however if there is one thing I’ve learned from this situation, is that it is also a blessing.

A blessing?!?!?! Are you kidding me?  How could this possibly be a blessing?  Well I suppose as cliché as it sounds; every cloud has a silver lining.

For us, this means that my husband and I get to spend more time together as a couple. We’ve been together for nearly 6 years now, just the two of us; with no children to draw our attention away from each other and from our relationship. There are not a whole lot of married couples who can say that.  We are able to have more time to work on our relationship together; we have more time to get out and do stuff together.  If we want to go watch a movie, we don’t have to plan it in advance and find a baby-sitter, or plan our schedules around sports practices or after school activities.  If we have an argument, we can yell at the top or our lungs at each other for as long as we want to and not have to table the issue because we have children at home.  We work things out at our own pace using whatever actions we feel necessary whenever we want to. It’s total freedom.  We’re not tied down to anything but each other.  It is truly is amazing.  We do have a dog that we need to make arrangements for before we take off for more than a day, but other than that, we answer to nobody but each other.

This is a gift.  The ability to truly spend time building and re-working our marriage to make things work is awesome.  Even though we want to have children of our own, and wish we had them already; while we wait we have each other.  I’m trying to use this time that we have to our advantage.  Enjoying each other and time we get to spend together, knowing that we should use this wisely.  A good foundation can hold up a building for hundreds of years.  If we want to make sure our marriage will be a long and happy one, we should take the time now to cement our relationship and make less work for us later one.

Infertility is a curse and a blessing; we’re trying to use it to our advantage.  Good things come to those who wait, right? We’ll try the hard work and patience approach.

Slowly… ever so slowly

I’m losing weight.  For the first time since highschool I’m actually dropping weight.  I’m not doing it very fast.. not fast at all.  I’m also not really “working” at it either.  I’m much more conscious of what I’m eating, how much I’m eat, and how much exercise I’m getting and making adjustments as it seems easy to do.  I’ve lost about 25lbs or so in the last year.  I know that’s not a lot in a year, but it’s HUGE for me.  Ever since highschool, all I’ve done is gain weight.  Quickly, slowly, but always gaining.  It didn’t seem to matter what I did, my weight just kept climbing.  Then finally this last January when I went in for my annual exam I had lost weight.  About 5 pounds from four months earlier.  I was happy but not expecting THAT to keep up.  A few weeks later when I went back, I was done another couple of pounds, and again and again each time I went in.

I’ve actually been concerned that I’ve started gaining weight again so I went down to my basement to my crappy scale that doesn’t really tell mes how much I weigh (it tells me I weigh more) and even according to that I’ve lost about 3 more lbs since the last time I got on it.  So YAY for me.  A week where I’ve heard of 3 more pregnancies and several more babies were born in my little circle of people I know, it’s nice to have some positive news of my own.  Wishing it was a bigger, better news, but good in any case.

We just keep putting one foot in front of the other, waiting to see where this life takes us.  I’m just hoping and praying that someday The Parkers will become The Parker Family, but I guess in the meantime I’m making some sort of progress.

 

 

 

Running in Circles

It’s me again.  It’s been a while, I know.  Out of sight, out of mind. Nothing much to report these days.  I’m down about 20 pounds since last year this time and continuing to lose slowly.  I’ve been in BCP’s since May since AF came to visit me in January and never exactly left.  Supposedly I’ll be trying to go back off them in September.  EVERYBODY around me is pregnant, including most of you wonderful ladies.  Congratulations to all of you, the club is getting smaller.  I’ll be sticking around with who’s left I think.  Most days I’m just pretty sure we’ll never have children.  This isn’t a “pity me” statement, just something I’m just trying to get myself used to.  We can’t afford IVF, we just can’t. $12,000.00 + just for once chance.  We don’t have that kind of money, we can’t afford to take on that kind of debt anytime soon.  Do I still desperately want to become a parent? You’re damn skippy I do! That will NEVER change, but it’s just not going to happen for us anytime soon. It’s been 3 1/2 years of trying already.  Although I don’t know how much actually “trying” it’s been.  Mostly figuring out what the heck is wrong with our bodies at any given time since the issues keep changing faster than we can find steady solutions.

DH and I have been trying to spend lots of quality fun time together.  We did go to Disney World in May and intend on going back next May as well since I came down with a horrible cold halfway through the week and I was stuck in bed for an entire day and was pretty much out of it for the rest of the week because of it.  What I did get to do before I got sick was AMAZING, so worth all the money we spent.  And next time is going to be even better!  We’re also doing some camping this summer.  Went a couple weeks ago and are going this weekend.  Just the two of us.  We do nearly everything just the two of us and I’m really alright with that.  Yes we do have friends and yes we do hang out with them sometimes, but I am truly blessed that my husband IS my best friend and although we definitely do fight, he’s who I want to spend my time with.  So that’s what we’re doing.

We’re also going a bit of work on our house.  Re-painted our bedroom, will be laying carpet soon, redoing the bathroom, and repainting most of the house.  So we’re working on that as well.

But the baby front just isn’t moving at all.  Seems like once we have one step forward we end up taking two steps back.  I don’t know where we’re going to end up.  At least I have DH by my side.

Um… ok.

So Friday I got in to see my nurse practitioner about the severity and length of AF’s visits since January.  After a little dicussion, she decided that she wanted to do a uterine biopsy.  I thought for sure we’d schedule it for another day.. NOPE!  Got everything around, had me take a pregnancy test (HA, ha ha ha, ho ho hum) and away we went.  First of all,  I was just on a lunch break from work and really didn’t have the time, secondly I really wasn’t looking forward to ANYTHING going up cervix into my uterus after my HSG fiasco back in August.  And yes it did hurt almost as much as my HSG did, but it didn’t even take a fraction of the time.  However I learned by my successful completion of the uterine biopsy, that 1.  My cervix must not be ‘curved’ as the ob/gyn claimed at the HSG and 2. I must not have a complete blockage again as the ob/gyn claimed at the HSG  otherwise this biopsy would have been much more difficult and painful AND I’d imagine the nurse practitioner would have mentioned something to me.

So after that ordeal we decided to go on progesterone and prometrium again to hopefully get regulated out again.  I’ll just be happy once we get the faucet turned OFF.  I was starting to get really scared.  I still have to have some blood work done to make sure I’ve not gotten anemic amongst a whole panel of off stuff we’re checking on again.

I honestly really didn’t think too much about what we we’re actually doing, just about the process… however after talking to my mom and telling her what was going on she expressed concern about the, you know, biopsy.  The thing checking my (yet again) for cancer. So I’ve been doing a little bit of freaking out over that I’ll admit.  I just wish my body could be NORMAL and work like it’s supposed to.

I have, however, lost another two pounds in the two weeks since the last time I was at her office.  So that’s a plus.  I honestly don’t know what I’m doing special that I haven’t done or tried before… except I am paying much more attention to what I eat and drink.

So we’re forging ahead a little at a time in both major area’s of our life.  Work is stressful and this situation is stressful.  And both DH and I have gone back to school and have been taking classes since January too to add to everything.  So this vacation cannot get here fast enough!! 20 days until the Happiest Place on Earth!!!

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